


Even Oil is Beautiful When it Loves With Its Entire Heart

by myshipsdontsail



Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Insecure Tony, Love, M/M, Natasha and Tony are best friends, Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, Tony centric, Unrequited Love, natasha has a knife kink, theres like one part where tones isnt it but theyre talking about him so, tony is sad and insecure, where is he, whos Rhodey???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 13:29:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12411198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myshipsdontsail/pseuds/myshipsdontsail
Summary: “I think I love them, Nat." Natasha's gaze flies up. She knows who he means. “I love them and I - it's killing me."The world is unfair to you, Tony Stark, She thinks.She's not known for being wrong.





	Even Oil is Beautiful When it Loves With Its Entire Heart

Tony Stark is staring into Edwin Jarvis' grave.

He's buried simply, as Edwin and Ana had little by way of afterlife funds. 

And all Tony can think of is all that time. All that time that Tony took took for granted. All that time that Tony spent with them and he didn't say it.

I could have said it. He thinks. 

He didn't say it. 

-

It's not for another month that he truly realizes he misses his mother, however distant she was because of the alcohol and Howard.

He remembers cold walks in a rainy garden, and he realizes the love he saved for Maria was too far hidden behind walls of lies and disappointment set upon both of them by Howard, and he thinks, 

I could have said it.

He didn't say it. 

Why didn't he ever say it?

-

He's hugging his best friend goodbye when he pulls him closer and says, "Rhodey..." and he almost says it. 

"Yeah, Tones?" Rhodey whispers back.

"Be safe out there punk!" Tony says, the words feeling like lead on his tongue.

It's the closest he'll get.

Rhodey leaves, and Tony misses him the second the flight took off.

I could have said it. He thinks. 

He didn't say it. 

-

Obidiah Stane is ripping out his heart. 

Obidiah Stane is someone Tony looked up to.

For once, he's glad he never said it. At least never to him.

-

He's flying face first into a wormhole with a bomb in both hands, and Tony thinks he can tell her.

Thinks he can finally muster up the courage to just say it.

Because he's done waiting for the right moment. Quite frankly, this is the only moment he's got left.

So he's going to say it.

Except.

Except Pepper doesn't answer, and Tony flies into dark, suffocating space knowing that he's going to die without ever telling anyone he loved them.

How very lonely.

He breathes in his last breath, and he lets out a quiet and shaky, "I'm scared," to no one in particular, and he thinks he hears Jarvis, the real one, say, Don't be.

-

He survives. He somehow lives through this mess. And the first thing he does is call Pepper.

"Tony - hello!?" She sounds frantic

"Yeah, Pep, it's me, and I just want you to know that I -"

"I can't do this, Tony. I'm sorry. I can't watch you run around and take responsibility for all of this - you're all I have, Tony. I can't lose you."

And just like that, he can't say it anymore.

The words are in his throat but his heart wont let him say it. It's protecting itself.

So he steels himself. Stark men are made of iron. So he smiles, and he lets out a soft sigh.

"I get it, Pep. We'll still be friends though, right?" He asks, hesitant.

She sounds relieved and happy when she says, "Of course, Tony. Always."

He almost said it.

Almost.

-

Sometimes he says the words to a mirror.

But - they feel empty. Hollow. Because the only people he's ever felt that way for didn't stick around long enough to hear him say those words.

They didn't stay long enough to hear him give his heart away. No, they just turned away as soon as he'd ripped it out for them. 

Always so close. Always what ifs and could haves.

Tony's so tired of ripping out his heart.

"I love you." He says to the mirror.

And he laughs at the irony of it all.

He's nearing forty, and he doesn't see a way or a person where he'll have the opportunity to say the words, but he's practicing on himself, the person he hates the most.

"I love you." He says to the mirror.

"Why didn't I say it?" He half sobs, not sure if he's talking about one occasion or all of them.

He goes to bed cold. 

-

Steve Rogers is punching Tony Stark in the chest and leaving him in the cold. Him and Bucky are holding hands as they leave, and Tony is once again grateful that he didn't say the words.

He'd thought about telling Steve. Hadn't come very close to telling him, but he was thinking about it.

And now, he's lying here, freezing cold but unable to move because -

I loved him.

I loved him. 

I - he ripped out my heart and left it to freeze.

It seemed so unfair for love to be so cruel.

-

Natasha finds him. He's cold. He looks at her soft eyes as she holds him close to warm him up.

"I loved him." He says.

And for once, Natasha looks shocked.

"Oh." She says, looking like she's piecing together little unsolved puzzles in his behavior she didn't think were important before. "I don't think I've ever heard you say you love anyone before." She observes.

"I haven't." She holds him tighter, her eyes angry. Not at Tony, but at a world who could be so cruel to one of her greatest friends. 

Most people would take him never saying I love you's to people as a spoiled trait, as someone who simply didn't know how to love, someone to cruel to love.

Natasha understands that part of saying I love you is hearing it back.

Tony's never had anyone to say it back to.

So she swallows her bitter pride, leans out of the hug and says,

"I love you, Tony. You are like a younger brother to me. Do not forget that, as I am not likely to repeat myself." She says, looking a little uncomfortable but still badass as hell.

Tony opens his mouth -

But he's scared. He hesitates.

But he's already said he's tired of ripping his heart out for people who leave him. Natasha is right here. And despite her stint as his fake PA, she's always looked out for him. And loves him, even. Tony always wanted a badass older sister.

" I love you too." He whispers. 

They don't sound hollow. They don't sound empty. They don't sound like he's saying the words in front of a mirror to the person he hates most.

They sound real.

I said it. He thinks.

I meant it. He thinks.

-

He goes to sleep, back in the tower, still cold and alone, but happier. 

And even if he never gets to say it again, he's happy.

-

Clint says it. It's almost a joke - could be seen as one by those who don't know that Clint lives in jokes. He uses them as a way to say things without saying things, and Tony knows that. Tony does that.

Their playing an epic round of Mario Kart (the GameCube original mind you) when Tony wins for the umpteenth time. 

Clint lets out a suffering scream and says, "Come on man, you know I love you but you gotta let me win once in a while!"

He can tell Clint means it by the nervous fidgeting - like he'd meant to fit it in there somewhere. 

Tony makes a choked sound, lets out a shaky breath, smiles, and says, "Love you too, Birdbrain. Not letting you win. Ever." 

Clint looks relieved, and laughs at him.

I said it again. 

I dont regret it. 

-

Bruce comes back.

Tony hugs him, and for once, he says it first. No jokes, just words. Like Bruce.

"I love you, I missed you." He inhales, "the other guy, too." 

It's Bruce's turn to make a choked sound. 

"I love you too, Tony." He says, all cautious and curious. 

Unbeknownst to Tony, it's the first time anyone's ever said they loved the Hulk before and meant it.

He said it. 

I don't think I've ever heard him say it. Bruce thinks.

-

Then Steve comes back. Tony's all tense about despite it being his idea - he'd gotten both Rogers and Barnes pardoned after all, and invited them to once more live in his home with the rest of the team, despite their protests.

Oddly enough, they only seemed to be protesting because they thought it'd hurt him specifically.

So when the two men showed up, Natasha and Clint were steadfastly at his sides, Nat glaring daggers at the Captain. Tony worried for a moment that she might tell his secret but squashed the thought. Clint sized up Barnes and seemed satisfied that he didn't seem to show ill will for Tony. Bruce was behind them, there for moral support. Thor was somewhere eating his weight in blueberry pop tarts.

"Thank you Tony." Steve is saying, "I'm so glad you came around."

Natasha audibly hisses. "He didn't get you pardoned because he agrees with you. You punched him in the chest and left him to freeze, I think you'll find you wont ever agree. Besides, the Accords have already been signed. He pardoned you because he lo-" she grimaces at Steve as if she can't stand the man who was once her friend. "You were friends. Are. You can figure that out yourself. He pardoned you because he couldn't stand to see someone he at least once cared about exiled."

Steve looks ashamed.

"I'm sorry Tony I -"

"Chose Barnes? I know. I don't blame you, honestly I'd choose him too. He's your real friend, right?" Tony sneers, "But that doesn't excuse you. You had no right to - to withhold information about my parents deaths because you wanted to protect someone else. You had no right to blame for being angry over it either." 

"I- " he looks as if he's about to argue, but Barnes looks at him with such a venom that Tony doesn't understand, so Steve says, "I know."

Tony looks at both of them and swallows. 

"You can live here, you can eat and sleep here, but you can't - you can't hurt me here." 

Steve looks so crestfallen at the fact Tony thinks he'd hurt him that Tony almost laughs. 

You didn't have that expression when you punched me in the heart, He thinks.

He says the words to a mirror again that night.

They sound less hollow.

-

Bucky comes down to the shop. Bucky comes down to the shop and asks for upgrades and company and forgiveness.

Tony says he cant forgive him for killing his parents because it wasn't him who needed to be forgiven.

Bucky looks a little surprised at that but then shakes his head and says he wants forgiveness for misjudging Tony. For hurting him.

Tony tells him he'll think about it.

Tony knows he'll forgive him.

-

Natasha doesn't know that he's seen her tell off Steve. It's on the security cameras, and sometimes Tony watches the interesting looking parts.

She doesn't know that he saw her throw a butterknife not two inches from his face and ask him what he was thinking.

And Steve looks ashamed.

Natasha screams. She actually starts yelling at Steve - "You destroyed him, Steve! You left him to freeze to death in the cold after you ripped out his heart and lied to him! You were friends and you threw it away because you didn't want to follow the rules."

And Natasha doesn't know that he saw Steve, not arguing, but hanging his head and saying "I know, and I'm so sorry."

She snarls. "I'm not who you should be apologizing to." She says, and her voice is cold as steel when she says, "But if you even think of hurting him again - no amount of super serum will heal you fast enough. Watch yourself, Rogers." 

She crowds up to him, pulls the butter knife out of the wall. On her way out, she sends it flying back over her shoulder. Once more close to Steve's face.

When Steve looks, he sees that she's thrown it directly back into the very same hole in the wall without even looking over her shoulder from 15 feet away.

Tony grins. "Natasha, you are one badass motherfucker." He says, aloud to himself.

"I know"

Tony drops a wrench on his toe.

"Eek! Nat, a little warning would be nice! Jesus!" 

She smiles. 

He tells her again.

"Love you, though."

"You too." She says.

-

Bucky comes down to the shop more frequently. He's usually there Doing stupid stuff like playing fetch with DUM-E, or throwing things at Butterfingers literally just to see him drop shit, or even just to look at all the super cool stuff Tony builds.

He's there today, doing the second of the three things he always does, when Friday speaks up, "Boss, Captain Rogers is requesting entry." 

And Tony only panicked a little bit, because the last time he talked to Rogers, him and Barnes beat the shit out of him, and having those same two people in his safe space was terrifying. Not to mention the feelings. 

I loved you. 

I still love you. To Steve.

I think I love you, too. To Bucky.

What a stupid emotion.

"Let him in Fry," he says with a wide grin on his face but fear in his heart.

-

Steve looks surprised that the door opens on the first try. Tony, watching out of the corner of his eye, sees Steve's eyes seek out Bucky and send him a loving smile.

Another reminder that Tony is separate from them. They are one and he is none.

He is none.

"Tony," Steve says soft enough that Tony barely even hears, "Please look at me."

And it's a horrifying struggle, trying to look up into the eyes of the man who never knew he loved him and betrayed him for someone else.

But he does. And the first thing he thinks is, I still love you.

-

Steve apologizes, and it's long and sincere and sappy and Tony accepts it. 

"Can we be friends again, Tony?" He says.

"There's nothing I'd like more." Tony says.

It's a lie. He'd like to have both Bucky and Steve wrapped around him in stolen blankets, cold feet and morning breath.

But he's always been one to take what he can get.

-

Bucky and Steve make him laugh. Steve did on his own, before, but now he can watch the two of them bicker over who's picking the next movie and try to outwit each other.

It kind of hurts though, too. 

-

Natasha listens to him. Even when he thinks she might be zoning out on his babbling she's always listening.

"It's really very interesting and all, the theory and the practical alike are both - " He chokes on his words mid sentence and blurts, "I think I love them, Nat."

Natasha's gaze flies up faster than the speed at which she throws knives. She knows who he means.

She doesn't say anything so he continues, "I love them and I - it's killing me."

Natasha holds him close.

"I know, Antoshka." She says, her voice pained.

The world is unfair to you, Tony Stark, She thinks.

She's not known for being wrong.

-

"One day you'll see that even oil stains are beautiful." Steve says, after Tony says something derogatory towards himself.

"There's nothing wrong with being Tony once in a while," Bucky sighs after a conference once.

"You see the world so differently," Steve admires after Tony shuts up after rambling for twenty minutes.

"You love with your entire heart." Bucky smiles at him accepting a oil filled bowl from Dum-E with a grin on his face.

-

“You love with your entire heart,” he remembers for the thirteenth time that night in bed.

And he does.

He loves with his whole fucking heart and he can't even say the words out loud because he's afraid.

-

Steve says the words in a passing moment, entirely on accident, and Tony drops another wrench on his toe.

"... And I was drawing Bucky and I couldn't stop thinking that if you were there you would've loved it, of course you would've loved it, I love the way you just - I love you." He says, seeming as thought he'd only just realized it, and Tony doesn't even doubt it as he watches the wrench fall in what seems like slow motion. Feels himself hiss, then flicks his wide eyes up to Steve's horrified face.

He tries to say something, anything, but Steve practically flies out of the workshop.

He said it. Tony thinks.

He said it, and now he's gone.

He’s not even surprised.

So he goes back to work, trying to blink away tears fighting to leave his eyes and failing.

-

"Bucky, Bucky, Bucky," Steve says, panting.

"What is it??" Bucky looks worried, and Steve realizes he has to calm down. 

"You know I love you right?" Bucky nods, suspicious, "I think I - I think I love Tony in that same way." He says, guilt laced in his voice.

Where he'd expected hurt, Bucky sighed in obvious relief, "Oh thank god. We're in this together, then."

Steve smiled.

"How'd you realize?" Buck is asking.

"I uh, told him so, before I even knew." Steve says, embarrassed.

"You did what!? What did he say?" Bucky presses.

"I um - nothing. I left before he could." Steve says, and he realizes his mistake as he says the words. "Oh, fuck."

"Language," says Natasha as she passes the hallway, throwing another freaking butter knife next to Steve, FIX IT. written in big sharpie letters up the side.

Bucky hits his boyfriend with a book before they go to the workshop together.

-

"Boss, Barnes and Rogers incoming." Friday says, and he needs to program her to warn him earlier because in the time he wants to tell her to put him in lockdown, Steve and Bucky already at his desk and Steve is apologizing.

“I’m sorry I just left you here I just had to go tell Bucky -“

“So he could laugh at me too?” Tony interrupts, “Not interested. Shoo. Leave.” 

They don’t move.

Bucky says, “Tony, I love you.” And Tony’s breath hitches. “We both do.”

And Tony’s upset. Upset because he actually believes them and wants to say it back but he can’t seem to get the words out. 

“I’m really glad,” he says instead, and it seems to be enough for them.

-

It’s their third date and Bucky’s telling this wild story and he looks to Tony for an affirmation that he’s listening, a sign to continue and Tony just stops and says, “I love you.” To the both of them.

You said it. They think.

“You didn’t have to say it,” they say.

“I couldn’t go one more moment without letting you know, whatever happens next.” He says.

He said it, he meant it, and he never once regrets it.


End file.
